Yeah, yeah. I know it's been a long time.

Quick review:
September Matt and I decided I needed to get a job. So I went on week's worth of interviews and got a job just five minutes from our home. Yay!
Also, Allison started swimming lessons. She loves it. We signed up for membership at the YMCA so she can go swimming more often. Do we go that often? No.
Allison also started dance class at the Y and loves it. She really wants to be a ballerina.
Isaiah is 2 1/2 and talking like a 3 1/2 year old. Some things he says - I'll point to a picture of a car and say it's blue (it really is blue but he thinks it's purple) and he tells me, "It's actually purple." What two year old says 'actually'? He speaks in long, complete sentences.
Isaiah is now sitting on the potty at school. He refuses at home. He really knows how to work his parents at home. This is partly why he goes to day care so he becomes independent. If he were home with me all the time, he'd still be spoon fed by me and crawling. Just kidding. Seriously, Allison has trouble putting on her socks because I always did it for her. She's almost five and still can't put her own socks on. Come on!
Oh, back to me and work. So I'm working all day long. What a change it was for me - going from doing my own thing at my own pace to get up at 6am and be on my feet for 9 hours then come home and do family stuff and go to bed. I'm good now unless I don't get to bed on time.
Speaking of which........
It's past my bed time. Good night, my friends and family!
Sweet dreams!

Lots 'o stuff

Well, a lot has happened in the past couple of weeks. The major being I had an emotional breakdown which caused my family to get all worried and they are forcing me to see a therapist. I guess I scared them with my suicidal thoughts. One of my friends wants me to check myself into a place for a week or so. That idea scares the heck out of me.

Okay, the second thing. I actually forgot to call my mom on her birthday! Me, the one who always remembers to call her, forgot. Well, I remembered at 10:30pm at night but since she is two hours ahead of our time I thought calling so late would be mean.

So this post didn't have lots 'o stuff but it had some juicy stuff.

fyi, I have an appointment with a therapist for Tuesday afternoon. Wish me luck.

Restless

I'm starting to get bored with this supposedly relaxing summer off. It's nice to be able to clean the house, read a book, watch a movie, or visit a friend. It's been a month and a half of freedom and now I'm feeling restless. Why do I feel this way? I should be basking in this time I have to myself. I want more. Of what? I don't know. I want a change of scenery.

Back to Dr. Mario

There's something wrong when I can continuously beat Matt at Dr. Mario while drinking Merlot straight from the bottle at 10:30pm at night. Matt blames it on him having the kids all evening. I was hosting game night for my church moms group. He had picked up the kids and took them to dinner and then ran errands. I guess I can give him some credit. But, oh wait, neener neener, neener! I won. I won. I won, won, won! Woohoo! Give me some more wine!

Stuff

So, I had a box of papers and junk that either collected on the counter months ago or has been waiting for a permanent home. I had all these little piles going on the floor. One for shredding, one for keepsakes that need to go in a scrapbook, one for placing in the children's boxes of mementos, one for card samples. Then it was time for lunch and other important activities like watching Batman Begins and then going to the theater to watch The Dark Knight. So it's 9:15pm and I am getting Allison to bed. I go into my bedroom to get something and see all these little piles on the floor. Matt will be irritated if I don't move them. So what do I do? I pile up all the piles and place them in the box. Go figure! Now I have the same damn box of junk.

Just a side note, I did actually throw away some items that were no longer useful - like Valentine candy and cards! How does this happen?

Heart Attack!

I was gone this morning for four hours hanging out at the CDC (child development center). I get home and open the slider (sliding glass door) and call for Monty. "Monty!" No pat-pat-pat. No hehehheheh (panting), nothing. I check the garage and inside the house. Where the heck is Monty? I go out and check the gates to see if they are open. Nope. Locked. I go back inside and call my neighbor across the street. She had been gone most of the morning and hadn't seen him. I call our vet to see if someone had brought him in like last time. Nope. They referred me to another pet clinic. Nothing. I grab my purse and leash and head out into the neighborhood. Any person outside I ask if they've seen a black dog. Nope. I drive around and around and around. After a half hour of getting dizzy, I return home hopeless. I reluctantly drag myself in the house not wanting to make the dreaded call to Matt. (He was ticked off at me last time Monty got away) Wait. I heard a noise that sounded like a Monty whine. Do I dare hope? I run inside and look towards the slider. There is the big, fat oaf panting at the door. I let him in and admonish him for almost giving me a heart attack. He is panting as if he had just gotten back from an outdoor adventure. He comes in and lays his body on the ground. Then he turns towards me and says, "Make me some blueberry pancakes, bitch!"

Wet with Sweat

Yep, it was one of those softball practices where we're standing out in the field waiting our turn at bat. The sun is beating down upon our faces and it's only 85 degrees. Why does it feel like 105 degrees? Oh yeah, the humidity is 80%. Ugh. After only an hour, my shirt was wet with sweat. Nobody patted my back - thank goodness! How embarrassing to have someone touch your back and come away with a moist hand. Ew. Time for a shower.

I HATE Losing!!!

Matt and I usually play Dr. Mario on the Wii every night. Usually I am tired and should be in bed instead of playing. However, I can't resist a game of Dr. Mario. So I play and sometimes I lose and sometimes I can win a few. Tonight was like any other night of Dr. Mario. I won the first game by a lot. Sweet! Then he won. Then he won again. And again. And again. The fifth time he won, I had it. I ended the game by quitting and letting the capsules pile up till I lost. Then I broke down and bawled. I couldn't take the fact that I was continuously losing.

Is this pathetic or what? I can't even be a good sport. Why am I so competitive? I know I'm not supposed to ask any 'why' questions. It sucks to lose!

Get to know me...

So I had to copy Amaya and do this thing. There are so many questions that it took me three times (different times of yesterday and today) at the computer to finish it due to interruptions from family. You know how it goes.


1. What is in the back seat of your car right now? 2 car seats, Target canvas bag, & Kleenex box

2. When was the last time you threw up? It was a few months ago, I believe. Just caught a 24 hour bug or something.

3. What’s your favorite curse word? Bitches

4. Name 3 people who made you smile today? Allison, Nate's mom, Holly M

5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? Changing Isaiah's diaper and getting him dressed

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Lying on Allison's bed saying good night to her.

7. What will you be doing 3 hours from now? I better be sleeping.

8. Have you ever been to a strip club? No. The closest thing I got to was after the Darcelle drag show was over some hot looking guys came and danced around us.

9. What is the last thing you said aloud? Okay, I'll be down in a minute because I need my fix of Dr. Mario.

10. What is the best ice cream flavor? Mint chocolate chip

11. What was the last thing you had to drink? Water

13. What was the last thing you ate? A couple of blueberries

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? I bought a light jacket for Isaiah this morning.

15. When was the last time you ran? The other night I was playing the Wii Fit and it has a running thing you can do. (I didn't know what I was getting myself into)

16. What’s the last sporting event you watched? Boston Celtics playing the LA Lakers.

18. Who is the last person you emailed? I forwarded a questionnaire to my friends.

19. Ever go camping? Last weekend

20. Do you have a tan? A funny looking one where you can tell I wear sleeveless, v-neck shirts.

24. Do you drink your soda from a straw? Yes, that's the only way I drink soda.

21. What did your last IM say? 'bye bye' to Matt

22. Are you someone’s best friend? Yes

23. What are you doing tomorrow? Church and hopefully doing something fun with my family.

24. Where is your mom right now? In New Mexico

25. Look to your left, what do you see? A wall with four holes and my file organizer thing.

26. What color is your watch? Silver

27. What do you think of when you think of Australia? Kangaroos and koala bears and kookaburras!

28. Would you consider plastic surgery? Nope

29. What is your birthstone? Beautiful sapphire

30. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? It's 50/50 usually. Sometimes we go through drive through to take food to the park.

31.How many kids do you want? Just the two I have.

32. Do you have a dog? Yes - Monty. He's a hobie (if you want to know what hobie means just ask me) and an oaf.

33. Last person you talked to on the phone? Matt - telling him I was at his work.

34. Have you met anyone famous? I don't think so.

35. Any plans today? Bbq with friends this evening.

36. How many states have you lived in? ID, WA, OR

37. Ever go to college? UCC, OSU, PCC

38. Where are you right now? At my desk in my bedroom

39. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? The heat.

40. Last song listened to? Some song sung by One Republic on SYTYCD.

41. Are you allergic to anything? I guess dust.

42. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? Orange & beige flip flop crocs.

43. Are you jealous of anyone? Anyone who has a boat and is out on the water right now!

44. Is anyone jealous of you? I have no idea.

45. What time is it? 1:13pm PST

46. Do any of your friends have children? Yes

47. Do you eat healthy? Not really even though I should.

48. What do you usually do during the day? It's so up in the air right now since I'm unemployed.

49. Do you hate anyone right now? No

50. Do you use the word ‘hello’ daily? I usually say hi.

51. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? I can't believe I'm going to be 34!

52. Have you ever been to Six Flags? Yes and I love it!

53. How did you get one of your scars? Running from my desk chair to my bed (3 feet) and caught the corner of a metal picture frame. It's almost 4" long (the doctor actually measured it). People think I had knee surgery. Hee hee.

Woohoo!

YES! I feel SO much better after having gotten my meds. Anti-depressant withdrawal is scary shit, man! One could gain a lot of weight with my withdrawal symptoms. I always felt nauseous unless I was eating. My co-worker thought I was pregnant.

Thanks for your encouragement, sister.

Happy Wednesday!

Life these past few days...

Ever since Sunday evening I have felt nauseous. NO - I'm not PG. Sometimes if I wait too long to eat I will get sick to my stomach after I eat. My body is messed up.

Anyway, I woke up at 3am this morning to help Isaiah find his blanket. Then, of course, I couldn't fall back asleep. So, at 4:10am, I get up and go make me a toasted PBJ (yum!). Then I get on the pc and check email and now it's 4:47am and I need to get back to sleep so I can get up in 2 1/2 hours.

Oh yeah, so I forgot that I didn't have any more refills on my anti-depressant. I called to refill the Rx on Thurs when I had one pill left. So I prepared myself for not having my med on Sat thinking the doctor will okay the refill on Friday. Saturday passes with no word from the pharmacy saying my Rx is ready. Monday passes. Damn it! Now I have to call my PCP and get him to okay the refills. Argh. Why do I do this to myself? Other than the nausea (which I don't know if it's from the Rx withdrawal, PMS (that would be weird), or daylight savings time change). This sucks.

Enough complaining. I co-hosted a baby shower for a mom from church Monday night. It turned out nice especially since it was a potluck. Someone brought a caesar salad. Damn, it was good. I wanted thirds but didn't want to look like a pig and plus I had to get the games going.

That's it for now. I'm audi 5000.

"Shove it up your ass, Dad!"

I was having one of those evenings with the kids where they are not happy with me and I am not happy with them. Battle of the parent/child. I'm getting old for this stuff. I told Matt that maybe I had kids too late in life. I also told him that having kids is going to kill me. I have another sixteen years of this battle. I told Matt that maybe I should start drinking but then I would be a worse mother because I would be a drunk. He replied with, "You must not be that bad of a mother since the kids always want you and they tell me, shove it up your ass, dad."
I have to admit that line got me to smile. I disagreed with him but he said it's pretty much true. Poor Matt.

Random Thoughts

How do you know if you need to increase your anti-depressant?
If I miss a day of my happy pill then I can totally tell.
There are some days that I feel like I haven't taken my med even though I did.
What is wrong with me?
I take my medicine and I still feel like a cranky, tired woman.
I know I need to go to a counselor and talk.
Is this really going to help me?
I'm so tired - physically and emotionally.
So why do I stay up to do little things like deleting old contacts in my outlook or posting in my blog?
I had a massage Friday night and it didn't even feel that great. Is that saying something?
I hate that I get so irritated that I end up yelling at Allison, which makes her feel like crap.
Something is missing here.
I love being with my family.
So why do I feel like I would be better off dead?
I don't want to die.
I'm actually scared of what happens after you die.
Some people say nothing happens.
It's just the end.
That's it.
One person described as when you're put under anesthesia.
But personally I believe there is more to it than that.
My soul will still live on.
I believe there is a hell and I don't want to go there.
I believe in heaven and I really hope my soul goes there so I can have peace.
Peace.
That's all I want.
Oh, I really need to go to bed.
Good night.